M@'s Ramblings

More Adventures With Jake...And an Old Man on a Bus

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 03:21:26 GMT

More Adventures With Jake

I'm starting to wonder if my little buddy Jake hasn't been placed in my path more for God to teach me using him rather than for me to teach Jake. I had another 'Jake Moment' just today.

When Jake was having such a hard, hard time in my room, he and I struck a deal. In order to have a little extra help with behavior, he could become my shadow, sit beside me so I could give him a little tap on the shoulder to help him out. The deal was that he could sit beside me until he showed me he could have enough good days to try sitting with the class again. Last few weeks, Jake has been doing a bit better and better. I've slowly been trying to get him ready to sit with the class the whole time getting him to spend a little more time sitting with the class. Today, I'd decided, was the day he would go the whole time. It didn't go over well. Jake wasn't ready to go. He misbehaved over and over so that he could sit beside me again. He kept getting more and more upset the more trouble he got into but I knew that I couldn't go back on my word and let him sit beside me today. I had a long talk with him after class.

"Mister A? D'ya wanna talk to me about my 'havior?"
"What do you think?"
"Yeah."
"Why?"
"'Cause I was 'having bad."
"Why would you do that?"

After a long detailed explanation, he sighed, "I just wanted you to like me. You want me near you when I'm bad. When I'm good, you make me sit with everyone on the carpet." The little guy didn't get it. I was trying to show him I trusted him. That he had grown from where he was. I was still there, watching him, trying to help him out but I hadn't gone anywhere. I was still just as close, still looking out for him.

It reminds me of how a lot of times I get upset with God because I don't feel him right there by my side. Then I wonder what I did that made him unhappy with me. I either obsess on it or get mad and go my own way. I forget that I'm never alone. Ever. I can't feel him and assume that he's gone on vacation. I forget that he's right there, still keeping his eye on me. Still having my best interest at heart. Sometimes it's a sign that he trusts me. Wants to see how much trust I have in him, how mature I've grown. As much as I get mad at him, how much I screw up, I am amazed he doesn't throw his hands up in frustration and leave me to my own devices.

May you learn to see across the room to the loving eyes of your Lookout.

May you grow in the grace of God's love to become more than you thought you could be and everything God knows you can.

An Old Man on a Bus

I heard a very cool song on the radio today. It talks about an old man on a bus ride and how he rides because the ride will take him somewhere even if he doesn't know where it's headed. He ends up getting off at what the bus driver says is the middle of nowhere, but it's the perfect spot for the old man. I love the song. It's kind of how I've recently gotten to feel about where I am. I'm not exactly sure where I'm headed but I'm getting more and more a sense of direction that may not seem to make sense to anyone, even me. I'm trying to enjoy the ride and hope that i have enough faith in God to know when i'm supposed to get off at a new destination with a new goal and new energy to face an awesome new challenge.

Here's the words, the musician is Patty Griffin

Stay on the Ride

Little old man, little old man staring down the road
Waiting on the bus, it's getting kind of cold
Bus finally gets there, he's got nowhere to sit down
And the driver said, "You can stand right here behind me
or wait for the next one to come around"
And the old man says, "That's okay, I'll stand
I might look like a little old man to you
But I've been riding this bus for years and years and years
I don't even know where it's going to"
And the driver says, "You don't know where this bus is going to?"
Old man says, "No, I don't, do you?"
Driver says, "You don't know where this bus is going to?"
Old man says, "I just want it to get me through
I'm staying on the ride, it's gonna take me somewhere
Staying on the ride, it's gonna take me somewhere

Bus is rolling along, outside it's looking kind of strange
There earth is shaking, the clouds are breaking
Everything is blue, where it was gray
A thousand red birds fly, over fields of snow
Driver looks back in the mirror for the old man
"Where did he go? where did he go? Oh, there he is
Hey, old man, you still don't know?"
And the old man says, "No, I don't son, but I'm happy to go
I'm staying on the ride, it's gonna take me somewhere
I'm staying on the ride, it's gonna take me somewhere

I was born with no name, knowing nothing, still I don't
Somebody said, You need a name, I'm gonna give you a name
And I said, No, you won't"

"You can let me off here, son, thank you for the ride"
And the driver said, "This is the middle of nowhere, sir,"
He pulls off to the side
And the old man says, "It might look that way to you, son, maybe it is"
Then he says, "Stay on the ride, it's gonna take you somewhere,
Stay on the ride, it's gonna take you somewhere"

A Little Like Jake

Mon, 02 Apr 2007 02:03:07 GMT

I have a friend in Kindergarten. We'll call him Jake. The kid is absolutely without a doubt 400 per cent boy. One of the first times that I met him, he wandered into my room and asked to sit in a chair instead of on the floor like the rest of his class. "Sorry, little man, that's for kids who have to go to timeout." His reply? "Oh. Well, I'll be here a lot anyway." He's not been far from wrong.

Jake is the poster-child for ADHD. He can't sit still. He's always messing with something or someone and you can hear him a county away. He's awesome though. He's my buddy. He's also my teacher. From this little guy I've learned a lot about patience and my relationship with God, weird as it may sound.

It happened like this: Jake hears A LOT that he's bad because of his behavior. He knows he has a problem. He just can't help himself. He's got to wiggle, can't help but mess with the other kids. There's a problem for him, outside of the time outs and talks. He knows he's being bad and he doesn't want to be. He's told me so. One day, a day that was particularly trying, Jake had a bad day and his teacher told him as much. The class left and I was cleaning up around my room, I looked up to see if the door was closed or not and found Jake leaning on the doorjamb. He turned around with tears in his eyes feeling a disappointment magnified by his age. I asked my buddy what was wrong. "Mr. A, I just want one good day. Just one. Am I a bad boy? I don't want to be. I just want one good day!" He latched onto my legs while I told hiim he wasn't a bad boy, he was a wiggly boy and that was all right because boys were supposed to be wiggly but some needed help or really had to work on it. I should know. I was a wiggly boy once.

A day or two later, thinking back on it, God kind of hit me. We're all like Jake. We know we're not supposed to do some things but we can't help but do them. We get frustrated. We know it's not right. We just want one good day. Just one. We can't do it on our own. We need help and we need someone to love us anyway, in spite of our faults.

Jake's story doesn't end there. He got help, in several ways, and he's not sitting in a chair as much. Still, there are times that he has to go do his time. Recently, he's developed the habbit of telling me that he's not my friend anymore or that he hates me. Yesterday I realized how much I've been doing, while not exactly that, but close to the same thing to God. I go my own way and get upset when I have to pay the consequences or I get so mad when things don't go like I planned or in my timing and I blurt out things that I don't truly mean to someone who loves me, is my advocate. At first I wasn't sure how to handle Jake's outbursts. Let him be? Send him to time out for being disrespectful? I finally decided I'd do what my parents did with me, what God does with us. He turns around, gets down on our level to look us in the eye and with a sweet-sad smile says, "I'm sorry you feel that way, wild man. Doesn't mean you're not still my buddy. Doesn't mean I don't still love you." Thankfully Jakes not at the age yet where he feels like he can't cry, has to put up walls to prove he's tough. When I do that, especially if it's at the end of class, he looks at me for a second in all the stubborness a wiggly boy of six can muster and then breaks down and tackles me in a hug. Some of the sweetest words said to me on this earth haven't been from a girl or a family member. They're simply, "I'm sorry, Mr. A. I'm still your buddy. I...I love you," from my wiggly little buddy.

May you find someone who loves you even when you get wiggly.

May you find the help for your 'one good day.'

May you one day break down in the arms of your Advocate and know it's all right. The harsh words were forgiven the moment they came from your mouth.

I guess we're all a little like Jake. I know lately I've been feeling like a Kindergartener.

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 03:13:36 GMT

Who I am hates who I've been
Chained to old ghosts
And might have beens
Somewhere, somehow I need a plan
To change back from the shadowman

My face is not the one I know
The shoulders stooped
Eyes with dull glow
The mark of someone who traded in
A passion for a shadowman

I see life all in shades of grey
The price that's paid
For choices made
And I've shoved down a call too long
shadowman's voice drowns out the song

And then there comes a breaking point
Aches that pass the bone and joint
Call to a heart that seems long dead
To rise and fight; to ride, to fight
To take a stand against the croon of shadowman

Through pain comes growth, peace and light
And calls the heart's strength from below
To spread, to break the chain I made
Break into rhythm not my own
A world away from shadowman

I don't know now where I belong
My place here isn't clear
All I can do is search, wait and know that
With a heart beating again, with eyes that see and trusting will
I'll find it by the Guiding Hand and nevermore be shadowman

Sun, 28 May 2006 20:53:57 GMT

Explain your LiveJournal name and its meaning. When you're done, tag as many people as there are letters in your name.

All right, since I don't have many friends and those that do are probably answering or going to from being tagged by others but for curious minds...The Story of Fugemoses

Fuge is short for Centrifuge. Centrifuge is a Christian camp that i went to from 10th grade through my senior year. Then I did a few years as an adult who came with my church group and then in college I did three years as a staffer. Everyone used to tease me that all I wore was Fuge stuff and my pictures in my dorm room were of campers and my fellow staffers.

Moses is one of my many nicknames. I picked this one up my freshman year of college. The guys on my floor were all pretty close in some way shape or form and everyone got a nickname. One guy was Big Country, my roommate was Hayseed, another who kept a bike in his room was called Bike. They started out calling me Jesus because they knew I was at least going to be a religion minor if not major, they all claimed I looked Jewish (some believed I was, one gave me a candy dreidel he found in a store near Christmas break so I didn't feel left out), and I was one of the 'good kids' on the floor. Told them that a nickname was fine but if they could, I'd appreciate it if they didn't call me Jesus since that was a bit high to live up to. One of the guys said, "Hey, wasn't that Moses guy in the Bible Jewish. And he killed a guy. He can live up to that." So Moses I was and still am to some of them.

There ya go. Fugemoses.

Tue, 29 Mar 2005 03:47:34 GMT

Let it be known that I am the King of Dorks. Thank you. That is all.

Sat, 12 Feb 2005 03:53:58 GMT

I know this will seem totally random. I guess it is. But I have realized recently what strange creatures birds are...and how much I would miss having arms and hands if I were one. Birds just look...odd. Kind of like that one person you know who is kind of cool, maybe has a good sense of style but is just so odd that when you are around them you can't help but gawk because they're almost freakishly weird. That's what it's like with my Da's cockatiel. What's weirder is that a 51 year old man makes a bigger fuss over the bird than anything I have EVER seen in my life.

Wed, 09 Feb 2005 14:31:24 GMT

Anyone out there know how to, for lack of a better word, take a picture of a website? This was thrown on me rather suddenly and I'm supposed to try to have it done by tonight. I'm supposed to have a picture of a webpage in a Powerpoint presentation. I know it's theoretically doable...just not up on the technical aspects of it.

Wed, 12 Jan 2005 02:59:35 GMT

Forgive me if this bores people totally but it's something I've pondered about.

Church Music...it can be an explosive situation in churches and every church deals with it on some level. Not whether or not we should have music, but what kind should we have. There are those in the camp to only sing old hymns, the other extreme-only singing contemporary songs, but I think that there is small camp that has been forming and it's the one I'm a member of. I think that you need some of both.

When I was in school we made Plus/Delta charts. They are, however, only fancy Pro Con lists so I'll go really old school.

Pros Cons

Hymns Strong Theology Tend to be sung like you're at God's funeral
Connected to Tradition Younger people tend to be turned off by them

P&W music Can have strong theology Earlier P&W tends to have weak theology (some not sound)
Pulse on what reaches people today Tend to turn off the older generation

So they tend to be about evenly matched (and yes I know that's an incredibly simplified list). And God's not sending down a mandate any time soon as to what's to sing. To each congregation- choose as the majority sees fit but as for a definitive... Psalms 96:1 says "Sing to the Lord a new song" so the Bible encourages us to write new songs. That only seems right. After all, we write songs and poetry when we go through experiences. They are sometimes the easiest way to express strong emotion. There is no verse though that says "Chunk all the old songs." In fact it encourages us to pull from the testimony of those who came before us. And after all, the old songs were once new...probably raised a few eyebrows in their days as well (heck, alot of their tunes are old drinking songs...a few old ladies probably just died right now). I still, however, don't believe that God gets joy out of turning songs of gladness into drudgery.

So there you go, my opinion and you didn't even ask for it. Enjoy the new, sing the old songs with the joy that they have in them and blend nicely.

Tue, 11 Jan 2005 05:01:07 GMT

Just checked my email. There was a message whose subject and author was You Can Be a Doctor!....It's nice to get encouragement from someone who believes in me. *smirk*

Sat, 01 Jan 2005 16:14:35 GMT

Yeah, all right, so I'm not updating as much as I thought I would. Guess I just have to try better. Christmas was pretty good...got stuff for my digicam, PhotoShop, several CDs (Elvis, Flogging Molly and Jack Johnson), lots of clothes...I mean lots. It was cool having the family down. It's sad that Uncle Gerrald's family won't be able to come down this year. Feels kind of voidish. They've always been down and that's about the only time we get to see Trista and Casey. Oh well, maybe we can sneak in a visit somewhere. My Da got a cockatiel. You know, I'd never really seena bird with an attitude problem before but Buzz definitely has one. Loves to attack your fingers when you get him out of your cage and if he should happen to fall off of his perch, it just happens to be your fault. He's a rather amusing litle creature though. For one thing, if he wants to get off of his swing to go eat he litterally just faceplants from the swing to the floor of the cage, then sits up and shakes it off to go about his business. Strange little feathered thing.

New Years was fun, off and on. Went to a party where we were all playing games and then the girls just disappeared. From what I gathered later it was partially to teach some of the guys a lesson for doing the same thing before we got there. Got a little lost in that whole understanding. We guys just sat and stared, talked some. So it was cool to get to know a few new guys. We were all pretty dead though. I called Luscious at midnight, ended up talking til 1. Kind of strange and cool at the same time. I hope that I can get to Barton sometime in January for a little bit of a longer trip but I also now realize that I've got to do creative ministries on Saturdays. I was hoping to only have one group then but it is definitely going to have to be both. *Sigh* I love creative ministries but there's just something about having a weekend. Oh well, I get Fridays off so I better stop Kvetching.

Let's see...anything else? Oh. I want a utilikilt. My sister would go insane if I got one...sometimes that's all the more reason. Love ya sis! ;) Eh, I'll shut up now.

Sun, 19 Dec 2004 01:16:59 GMT

Nearest Book Challenge
- Grab the nearest book.
- Open the book to page 123.
- Find the fifth sentence.
- Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
- Don't search around and look for the "coolest" book you can find. Do what's
actually next to you.

Mine is actually written in two languages so I guess I'll include them both:

Colli cun, cyllaig Gwynedd, Call a glew, cuall ei gledd, Cellan ior, coll anwerys, Cell y gler, celliwig lys.

Which being translated means:

Losing a hero of Gwynedd, Wise and bold, swift his sword, Lord of Cellan, terrible loss, Poet's chamber, court of Celliwig

From: Pendragon (The Definitive Account of the Origins of Arthur) by Steve Black and Scott Lloyd

Fri, 17 Dec 2004 01:38:16 GMT

What does it say when my Da likes "Friends" ALOT more than I do? You know, for once I was actually interested in a show on the history channel (all right, that's not as academic as it sounds...it was on the history and production of candy bars) and he decides he's bored and switches it to "Friends" of all things. Something is not right in the world! I'm supposed to want to watch the mind sucking sitcoms and he's the one who is normally glued to something like "The History of Dirt."

Thu, 16 Dec 2004 02:46:22 GMT

Lessons learned from today:

M@ should never be forced to use a curling iron. My Ma fractured her arm falling in the mall and it just happens to be her dominant hand. So she's having a hard time doing pretty much everything. The thing I could do the most for her today was do her hair and drive her to work. I don't mind helping her at ALL but guys and curling irons don't mix for a reason. Though she says I did a pretty good job, but rest easy folks! I'm NOT looking for a job as a stylist any time soon.

Anything that can go wrong will probably be forced to in a church. Enough said.

I want a dog. Ok, so this isn't a new thing but I reeeeaaaaaaalllllllly want a dog. Not totally sure what's brought this on. I think it's a combination of not having a dog for a bit and people getting one. Not to mention that the Animal Shelter has all these pictures up in the mall. I think i want a beagle. Something that will keep me a bit active as well as like to cuddle and has short hair.

Situations are often affected by your perspective. This lesson struck home today when talking to a dear family friend who has Lou Gehrig's disease who even though she knows she doesn't have too much longer to live (a few years at most), will never see her daughters grow up and get married, is going to be leaving her husband alone, she's decided that she's going to embrace and celebrate what life she has left. She's actually found that it's helping her and it was a blessing to see her with her walker Christmas shopping as if nothing was amiss. It's a good thing to see and learn.

Brave New Attempt

Sun, 12 Dec 2004 04:35:02 GMT

All right, I'm going to try to be good. From now on I'm going to try to post at least once a week on here. Of course, whether A-I actually succeed in that or B-whether it results in anything that resembles a life update remains to be seen. May even be just a snippet or something I wrote. Oh well. Now to start this good intent....

Hmm.....

Seriously. This is harder than it looks...mmmm...Oh. Ok.

I love my job at the church. Everyone there is slightly off in the head, like me, so I feel right at home. I look forward to going in just to see what crazy things and conversations happen. I realize that I'm very blessed. Alot of people abhor their jobs and I actually look forward to Mondays so that I can go play. Something that I am not really used to but can get used to is this paycheck thing. They actually give them to me every week! I enjoy it.

I've been working on a Powerpoint Slideshow for my church's Lottie Moon Missions Offering on Wednesday. For those of you that don't know, this is a missions offering that the Southern Baptists take up every year. Lottie Moon was one of the first Baptist missionaries to China. She spent alot of her life around the people she had a heart for but led a very lonely life. I volunteered to create the slideshow to play during the offertory and am very much floored by the information I found doing research for it. Things like just how unreached places like France are. And things like, if you're looking for someone who has never even heard Jesus' name, your best bet is to go to Sudan, they have 4.7% of the world's unengaged population, higher than in any other country.

Been thinking about the shooting alot recently. The anniversary was a little over a week ago, so I guess that would explain it. Strangely I haven't had 'the dream' this time. Not that I'm complaining. I'm thankful for the times that I had it before but I'm also thankful for the reprieve. Still wish there was something I can do about it all. I guess talking about it is the best I can do. Maybe by talking about it I can keep people from doing something like it again. Though you don't hear about school shootings like you used to-thank God! Part of me wonders though if that's more from the fact that they're old news than the fact that they don't really happen much any more.

I need to go to bed now. But at least I'm covered for this week. ;)

Jotted this down today...

Thu, 02 Dec 2004 00:50:13 GMT

What do you do
With dreams broken?
A world shattered?
Life's grey and you're tattered.
When Mom's not what you
wanted, needed, hoped?
And Dad's not
Superman, caring, there?
What can you do?
Do you cry? fume?
Whine? or do you die to all feeling?
Life's just a battle for survival
But with clipped wings, try
to learn to fly
from broken cage to God's finger.

Thu, 25 Nov 2004 23:15:17 GMT

So, I've just been informed that I remind about 8 people of Buddy the Elf from the Will Ferrel movie. No one will tell me that this is good or bad. I can't decide. I realize that I'm excitable. That I have the same hat (the beaver-bomber looking one he goes ont he date with). Heck I can even see myself saying, "I like smiling. Smiling's my favorite." But in spite of seeing the tendencies I can't decide if it's a good thing or bad that I remind people of a 30 year old who was raised by elves in Santa's workshop. What do you all think?

Sun, 26 Sep 2004 23:46:59 GMT

Feel weird. Hate it. Been feeling that way for a while now. Sometimes I don't know why, sometimes I think I do. Part of it is that I've been having a hard time being happy since I've gotten home. This isn't because of who is or isn't around, mostly having to do like feeling like I'm a contributing member of society. Having nothing to do except laundry gets old, FAST. That part will fade now that I have a job! Which, yes, is both exciting and almost makes me want to wet my pants. I'm not afraid of confrontation and conflict (been told once I can tend to revel in it) but at the same time I don't want to be known as the 'punk, hippie kid on staff' at the church, the one who brought the problems. I'm well aware that some people think the church has more staff than it needs, but I see the need and so I took the position. Yeah, for a few months I'm only getting paid part-time but churches are both not the real world at all and a magnification of it. Couple that with the most 'lonely days' that I've had strung together in a while and you get one M@ where things just 'don't seem right.' I'll take phrases that I've heard too much lately. I hate being like this. I hate being lonely, mopey and wonky. And yes, I know that there's someone out there. Yes, I know God's either getting her or me ready. But patience isn't a gift of mine, I'm practically the only one of my friends without someone, the only one form my old high school gang, and I'm starting to feel like I'm going to be 70, sitting on my front porch with a dog and yelling at kids to get off my lawn. I look around and everyone has somebody-even those folks that just make you feel oily and dirty talking to them because their slimeballs have someone. So I'm done whining, feel some better for venting, sorry to whoseever friend's list this crowds up with drivel, I'm better. Some.

Oh, and I have a bunch of torch songs stuck in my head. Random.

Thu, 16 Sep 2004 20:57:18 GMT

Being happy at home is hard. Heck, being happy is hard. Right now, more than anything, I wish I had a place to live outside of this house. Gah, stupid me wanting to be grown up and live on my own means. How idiotic is that?

Tue, 17 Aug 2004 22:24:29 GMT

So, its been suggested that I update this since its been, well, almost 2 months since my last post. The sad thing is... I'm not exactly sure what to say. The summer was awesome. I loved my team for the most part. The others were simply personality conflicts, no out and out tear-your-throat-out animosity. My kids were pretty awesome in and of themselves. No real potential stalkers, which after the strange experience of last year is a blessing. Also helping that, the fact that I'm totally across the country from my broods. There were some extremely awesome kids who I wished that I could pack up and bring home with me. I did, I am proud to say, actually learn a little bit about the art of hackey sack. I am also the proud owner of one, though I still stink royally. The plus there is: none of my family or friends play so I rock compared to them! I am currently trying to adjust to life away from camp as well as life back home. Its going to feel so weird helping my baby sister move into her dorm and not having one to go to. I think I am officially dreading Saturday night. My mom will then have officially sent her baby to school. She is also thrilled that I'm living at home right now. Whoopee. seriously. I'm excited...I swear. I keep praying this job at the church will go smoothly and I don't have to deal much with church beaurocracy too horribly much. Then I will be gainfully employed, well, employed. In the ministry nothing is really gainful. Though the eternal benefits can't be beat. I'm more excited about being able to move out. And let me say, typing this with the parents in the same room is an interesting experiment in window changing. Until then, this is going to be a growing time for my patience. My dad's current platform is When is Matt getting a job? and Ma's is, as is typical, about girls, or a girl. What I wouldn't give for a night with my Barton family or my Fuge team right now. A movie, a huge Slurpee and munching on Dirty Little Peaches with Justin, Dave and Special K right now would hit the spot.

Tue, 22 Jun 2004 03:49:20 GMT

For all of you out there who read this and care. I thought that I would let you know that I made it to Jenness Park in California alive and am currently going through training week. The people seem to be awesome and amazing and I'm looking forward to working with them for the next few months. I am, sadly, still apprehensive. The coordinator (my boss' boss) is here and I know that he knows all the drama that surrounded me last summer. I have a meeting with him in a few days if Fuge tradition holds (which it has a habbit of doing). This makes me a little edgy but perhaps it will all go ok. Worrying doesn't make anything better does it? Oh well... I'll try to keep everyone posted when I can throughout the summer. Shouldn't cease to be interesting. If you want to show me some love email me at fugemoses@mailpuppy.com or send mail to Matt Arthur Centrifuge Staff 29005 Hwy 108 Cold Springs, CA 95335 Love you all!!! Peace

Thu, 17 Jun 2004 14:19:55 GMT

So I leave in a very little bit to go work Fuge. I'm excited, psyched, pumped even. At the same time, I'm going to miss folks and little David is going to be spending alot of time on my mind. Training week is going to be absolutely insane but I'm ready. Toss up flare prayers for me and my team and look for sporadic updates!!!

Thu, 20 May 2004 16:35:01 GMT

I have been told that those who neglect their livejournal neglect their life. So, I guess I have a heck of alot to catch up with...I am now a big official grownup. I now have the piece of paper that I worked four years for. Doesn't exactly seem like a fair trade. One piece of paper for four years on top of having to leave behind a second family. I'm better than I was the first couple of days I was home. For those I kind of moped. I still feel lost but I have stuff to get ready for. Fuge, mostly. On top of that, I went to church last night and had some interaction with people my age. Not "The Fam" but I think after I get back from Cali they'll do nicely. I still get to see the Barton family though when school starts. Maybe I can help them move in, go to their plays and spend some weekends up there. Fun times to be had by all. I feel a bit guilty about not necessarily wanting to be home. I think Ma wanted me to be so relieved to be home. I know that me saying "I miss my family" hurts her a bit. The thing is though, they are family. I'm not over ecstatic about being home but that's because I was home soooo much this semester. I never really felt like I was away.
I am incredibly ready for Cali. Its weird to think, though, that this is my last summer as a Fuge staffer. I don't really want to give it up but I guess Peter Pan grows up sometime. Stupid crazy world. It will be weird being back at JP, I'm afraid there will be hundreds of kids who are going to expect me to know who they are and I honestly don't even remember most of the faces much less names. On top of that its almost a totally different group of people, without Stephen. Though I'm kind of excited about Fuge without Steve-O as well because it will be a completely different kind of thing. I'm looking forward to the differentness and seeing how well I deal.
And after that, who knows. I'm supposed to talk to the pastor before I leave. Speaking of which, I need to email him. I've done this several times before but I still get nervous everytime. He just has that presence that makes you want to lose your lunch until he starts talking with you. When he says "Let's step into my office..." you can't help but feel like you're being called to the principal's office for passing notes in class. I wonder if you eer get so you don't feel that way, maybe when you see him everyday. Its weird though, because while going to see him is intimidating, he's not. Though people don't usually make me feel intimidated. Normally if I feel like I'm about to start being intimidated, adrenaline kicks in and I prepare for battle. I guess I'll email him now...Peace.

Hmmm....

Thu, 18 Mar 2004 02:26:08 GMT

So, I filled in for Phillip tonight at church. I love the middle schoolers. I miss working with them. I pity the guys that I was with. The big group splits into smaller groups and the one I helped with goes with a woman named Kelly. Kelly...well, I don't believe that her heart is in the middle school guys. I don't think she gets it. I love the guys. Some of them I've known for over 7 years now and its cool to see them become this group of shaggy haired, peach-fuzzed, gangly, voice-cracking young men.
I was looking at them tonight and relished in the gleam that most of them had in their eyes. It wasn't attention in what Kelly said, it was the gleam of pent up wildness. I found my 'wild men' again tonight. I missed them. Kelly kept trying to wrangle them in and shut them up. They don't need to be wrangled, just trained. I get upset when I see our society try to tame boys. Yes, they need to learn propriety and the proper flow of how to behave in society but they still need to be wild. I was buying a Gameboy game a few months back and there was a grandmother looking for a game. She had no idea what a young boy would like and asked one of the clerks. She starts going down the list of games and their ratings. One of them piqued her interest and she asked why it was rated E instead of whatever the youngest level is. It was explained that the game had mild violence, where upon she exploded into a fit about she was not buying a game like that for her grandson, how her grandson was going to grow up a gentleman and not a brute like those games make people. I had a hard time not saying something. Most little boys are, by default, violent to some extreme. And, I'm proud to say, its all right and they don't have to unlearn it, just to control it. We don't outgrow it, we just learn to revel in it in the right places. Men and women, boys and girls, display different aspects of God's personality. The guys display the warrior, the wildness, the protector aspects. The gals show the nurturer, the calmness and the domesticated. Why can't we just let guys be guys?
Anyway, rant over. I met a guy tonight by the name of Chaz. He's awesome, kind of quiet, his eyes aren't showing the wildness as much as a pain. I noticed but didn't say anything. We were talking aobut doubt and a very new believer said that he had never doubted, a few other guys said they had with little things. I suddenly felt compelled to just say that when I was their age I went through a huge period of doubt. That I hated my Da, I hated my church and people who used to be my friends were beating me up almost daily and that through all of that any scrap of faith I had in God was blown and I remembered screaming to Heaven, "OK, if you're God and God is love, what's up with this crap?!" I just told them that I ended up involved with some things I shouldn't have, that it took a while but finally the brick wall I felt between me and God shattered and he loved me back where I needed to be. I said it and heard a comment from the corner but it couldn't be made out. As the guys were leaving, though, Chaz came up and grabbed my shoulder to say thanks for saying that because he was going through something like that. I don't know when I'll see him again. I hope that I can get his email just to send him a note to sya that I'm praying for him and to keep on keeping on. Glad I went.

The Long Awaited Update?

Mon, 08 Mar 2004 21:44:26 GMT

Yeah so after being asked, commented about, and all that fun stuff by more than one person...an update. Where to start though.

Ok, first thing on my mind. I am SO ready to graduate. Greek is not going to kill me but that is only because I've determined to decimate it. I have succeeded in making my Greek professor go through doubt and guilt because I have proclaimed that I am never going to be forced to write 20 page exegesises outside of Barton or seminary (which I currently am not feeling called to) as well as saying that the homework frazzles me. I'm sorry 6 hours of homework for one class period is not normal. Not when you have 4 other classes. I need to either graduate or get a big hemlock smoothie.

Second, doing drama for church can make you the most unChristian person you know. Part of it is the frustration of working with God's people who just expect you to understand that something else needs to be done. Sorry. In my family, your word is bond, you put things back where you found them and you ask before borrowing other people's things. The other part is that I think about it, sketch things out and obsess about it so much that I can't do much else in my head at school and I just recently noticed that my alone with God time for something more than a talking about light plans has dropped to zip. Sadly, there is part of me that never noticed and the part that did now echoes something that smacks of Acceptable Losses. However, it explains why I felt like I've been going through a spiritual dry spell lately, though some of that could come form the fact that about 9/10 of the people I know are on God highs from the Passion, which I still haven't seen.

School of Rock...well, rocks. 'Rock'atore te salutam. That's just for you, Phil.

Womenfolk are the most confusing creatures that God has created. I could explain but that would just take...oh, an eternity or so. Honestly, a smile and a touch on the hand shouldn't make me feel so stinking happy...but then again, I'm not complaining too much about that. If only I could figure her out. On the other hand, its the figuring out that makes this so much fun. Dang me and challenges!

Anything else?

Spring Break is coming soon! PTL! Hey, bro, would you be up to maybe having dinner with Luscious next week at sometime? If Alli is feeling up to it and the parents approve maybe she can come to. He said it sounded like fun since he'll be home without friends.

Sun, 22 Feb 2004 03:06:10 GMT

Oh! Somethng fun and new to play with...my Friendtest.

http://FugeMoses.friendtest.com